Prepared to be floored by this hottest of hot takes: Ichiro Suzuki and Vernon Wells are not good hitters. They have a 73 and 75 wRC+ on the season, respectively. Wells is not only a bad hitter, but also a terrible player. But with the injury to Brett Gardner and Joe Girardi not seeing Zoilo Almonte as much of an option, it's up to the D team to pick up the slack. In fact, knowing Girardi, I wouldn't be shocked to see them both in the lineup simultaneously several times over the next few days. It hurts my soul just writing it, but I think we all know it's coming. Unlike Chris Stewart and Brendan Ryan though, they have been great hitters in the past. In fact, they've both gone significant stretches in 2013 where they were good hitters! Wells had his April that he likely traded his soul for, and Ichiro is always capable of stringing multiple-hit games together.
Obviously I'm grasping at straws here, but considering the options, straws are all we have left. Both of these players badly stink right now, but such is the joy of baseball. Even terrible players can reach deep down into that well of badness and pull out a short burst of excellence (see Young, Delmon), and if there is such a thing as value in being a veteran in moments of extreme pressure, at least these two have plenty of it. Maybe the motivation to not end the season hitting like minor leaguers will inspire them to bouts of over-achievement. I sincerely doubt it, but if there was a time for it to happen, here it is.
Seeing these two get regular action serves as a constant, horrifying reminder that no matter how 2013 ends, both Ichiro and Wells will be under contract for 2014. Considering their ages, it would be a reasonable assumption that they'll be even worse in 2013. But a week and a half of solid play at the most critical juncture in the Yankees' 2013 season would almost make their absurd acquisitions palatable. Almost.
So one last chance to turn back the clocks, guys! Show us the pride and guile that surely two accomplished veterans such as yourselves possess. Vernon Wells: rediscover that April power for an at bat or two, and recognize what a slider is and why you can't hit it. Ichiro Suzuki: beat out a couple of base hits and make hell for opposing teams on the basepaths. And feel free to take a pitch or two. Dig deep and find one final push for this team that was stupid enough to believe that you had something left in the tank.
Or, in all likelihood, continue to be awful. But hey, stranger things have happened in baseball. So we've got that going for us.